Sunday, January 31, 2016

Free cyber attribution services for the masses!

Press release, for immediate distribution
Today, Rendition Infosec announces the launch of a market leading cyber threat attribution service.  If you need cyber attribution, but can't be bothered with actual work, Rendition Infosec has the answer for you.  Cyber skills NOT required!  Even the least technical managers will feel comfortable using Rendition's new automated cyber threat attribution website  That's right: if you can use a web browser, you too can do cyber attribution.

How does Who Hacked Us™ work?
By using the Who Hacked Us™ service, you'll be assured the latest in quality attribution data, vetted by our crack team of srand() generating PHP scripts.  Our analysts ingest hundreds of terabytes  of threat data every day and bulk-label it irrelevant for random attribution purposes.  Instead of worrying about that "complicated" and "confusing" data, we instead rely on choosing random data from a series of pre-populated values.

But can I trust random attribution data?
Of course you can.  Would we steer you wrong?  Wait, don't answer that.  Just blindly trust that our service uses only the best randomly generated attribution data, which sadly almost as reliable as the real attribution data we see.  Doubt that we're correct?  Just remember that the now seemingly defunct Norse spoke of port scans from Iran as foreign nation state attacks.  Were they?  Not a freaking chance.  And Norse isn't the only vendor peddling shoddy attribution data.  So Rendition figured "hey, there must be some money there."

Should we invest in this service? Are there competitors?
ThreatButt already has the mother of all Cyber "Pew Pew" maps.  While we could have competed, Rendition instead decided to enter the market of automated cyber threat attribution.  Technically, Rendition created the market, leading market forecasts above all other vendors in the supernatural hemisphere (we'd call it something else, but we think Gartner laid claim to that "other" term and we don't like lawyers).

Device Compatibility
The Who Hacked Us™ automated cyber threat attribution service works on any device with a web browser, including Windows, OSX, iPhone, Android, BlackBerry, Linux, and some IV infusion pumps.

How do I invest?
Simple - you can follow us on Twitter (@whohackedus) or send us an email (whohackedus at and provide great suggestions for other data that you would find useful for the random cyber attribution service.  As always, sharing the service with your friends and colleagues will be most appreciated.

Blatant Disclaimer: We're not idiots; this whole thing is an obvious spoof.  It's (really) sad that we feel we need this disclaimer here, but there are lots of paste eating morons on the Internet.  This post (and the site) pokes a little fun at the threat intelligence industry as a whole, many of whom are absolute charlatans. If you can't take a joke, you probably need to find work in another field.  If on the other hand, you want to build a REAL threat intelligence program (which is way more than just an IP blacklist), contact us and we'll be happy to help you.  We've helped build several programs for very large (multi-billion dollar) organizations all the way down to small/medium enterprises.

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